Ranting by Dolomite
Hello readers. Welcome to the New Year. As we all know, the biggest tradition of the New Year is the resolution. Everyone makes, and eventually breaks, New Year resolutions. Some makes resolutions to quit bad habits, like smoking or drinking. Some resolve to lose weight or get healthier. It is kind of sad that more people decide to lose weight because of the beginning of a new calendar year and not the inability to see your feet when standing up! So, as the theme is going, you are probably wondering what Dolomite resolved to do.
On New Year's Eve, I had a pretty pathetic night. It was just me, my brother and our mutual friend Darrell. We bought a case of MGD and a bottle of Long Island Mix and watched cartoons all night. Sad? Yes. But it beat paying $10 to get into a crowded bar and wait half an hour for every beer.
So there we are, watching Cartoon Network, and it is getting close to midnight. All three of us are feeling the beer and have already pissed out the long island mix. We stare at the television and each other, numb looks on our faces. Without warning, my brother gets the ball rolling. "So, what is everyone's resolution?"
"Huh?" asked Darrell.
"Resolutions. As in promises to do something better about yourself," my brother said in a much louder and slower voice.
Poor Darrell doesn't keep pace with the two of us, at home or in the bars.
"Oh, those things. I never make them. You always break them later. Who likes broken promises?" Darrell did have a point. He slurred most of it when he said it, but it was a point nevertheless.
"Well, how about you?" I asked my brother.
"I guess I'm going to get in better shape. I remember back in high school when I could fit into a decent pair of pants. Now, I'm edging toward your size. If I don't try something soon, it's going to be the big and tall catalog for me. And I ain't that tall!"
"I only shop there because I'm tall and broad shouldered." I muttered.
"Well, how 'bout you?" my brother asked me.
What could I give up that I didn't want? Drinking? No, I liked alcohol too much and it had yet to cause any visible damage that fast food and laziness wouldn't have done on their own eventually. Weight loss? You have to be in shape to go to the gym, otherwise it is just demotivating. Eating healthy? Health food tastes like crap and no diet on earth really includes fried food. More aggressive in dating? This could lead to getting some more ass. And what person does not really want to get some ass?
"Well, since the 'quiet, nice guy' bit has not really been paying off for the past few months."
"Few months?" Darrell said with what he thought was a raised eyebrow.
"Yes, 'few months.' Before that was the 'smiling, fun guy in the corner that didn't make eye contact' bit, which was not paying off that much either. There were some notches on the belt, but nothing stable. We all remember that girl that tied me to that empty apartment's bed?"
"Yes. You always tell that story when you're out drinking with a group of guys." My brother was obviously sick of the story. I think it was jealousy.
"Well, that was fun, but not something I would actually wish to have happen any time soon. Anyways, I am sick of getting friendly to girls, not being able to ask them out, and hearing how they got back together with their ex-boyfriend or friend from home because no guy was asking them out here. I am going to start asking a girl or two out. I need to get more aggressive with women. Otherwise, I might just have to give in to reality and start up a porn store."
"So, the New Year's resolution is to get laid?" asked Darrell.
"Yes, but to get laid regularly," I replied.
"Oh, well mine is just to get laid," said Darrell.
"Both sound fair. Too bad mine is more realistic," smirked my brother.
You know, maybe next year, I'll fight the bar seen. At least then my brother won't be the one with the last word because he passed out.
Dolomite
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Subject: Dolomite
Name: Unknown at present
E-mail: BKDolo10@aol.com
Age: CXXVI in dog years
Turn-Ons: Porn, Humor and good food
Turn-Offs: Bad Taste, Religious fanatics that go door-to-door, Idiots, Jerks, Prejudice (except against Catholics and the French)
Plans for Future: Become President, breed either flying cat or walking bat (bat + cat somehow), play golf drunk, masturbation |
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