From the Orifice Of The Playpen

 
Ho Ho Fucking Ho… and Happy New Year to you all.

Well tis the season to be jolly or if you're inclined, fall down drunk. (hic)
Not much to report he on the Brit front. Plenty of food and drink was had and much merriment partaken in.

I have been thinking over the past few days what this article should be about… the meaning of the Christmas season? Maybe the state of the world and how it relates to the coming year? When it came down to it I thought I would just set my highly attuned psychic skill to stun and predict a few major happenings for 2003.

So here goes…

Our beloved Editor Cait will found a new religion. The UnHoly Order of the Smell Me Vibes and Rhythmic Vibe Nation. The figure “head” of the new church will revolve around a twenty-foot high vibrator. This new religion will be a peaceful love filled romp through every sexual position in the Karma Sutra. Cait being the leader will, of course have to vet every prospective member and their members.

World Peace will not be attained because of all the women in society being too busy trying to mount the twenty-foot vibe that all the men will get bored and end up shooting each-other in sheer desperation at trying to live up to the Giant Phallus.

There will however be a small sect of non believers (mostly men) who will set up a break away cult which will hold three main objects in high esteem.

1.
A VCR and a Big Screen TV with endless repeats of blokes’ stuff. You know Re-runs of every Superbowl World Series and Stanley Cup final for the past 40 years. There will also be a direct feed from The UnHoly Order of the Smell Me Vibes and Rhythmic Vibe Nation headquarters where the non believers will be able to observe the ridiculous rituals performed just to see if they can work out a way to overthrow the crazed sect leader… (They do not succeed as they will find it extremely hard to formulate a plan with they’re pants around they’re ankles)

2.
The large Leather La-Z-Boy Recliner chair with inbuilt beer and snack containers.
This will be essential in carrying out the 1st object to its full and proper course.

3.
Due to the majority of womankind off worshipping the twenty-foot vibe, the men of earth will need something to call they’re own… so they will construct a 30 foot high fully interactive model of the Vagina. This will of course not be anatomically correct. This Vagina will be Men Friendly. It will always be warm and well lubricated and the clitoris will be ten foot tall and 6 feet wide with large neon signs pointing directly to it from all angles. Men will come too the conclusion that there will need to be dashboard versions of the Great Vagina so all vibrating Vaginas blow up dolls with life like representations in fact anything with a Vagina portrayed within withon or without will become public property and will be made available at every Wal-Mart k-mart and 7-11 at vastly reduced prices.
Pornography will have it’s own free to air channel on the underground TV network uncensored 24-7. This will no longer be something to be hidden on a credit card statement in a user-friendly manner. This will be mankind’s Bible Network. (It should be noted here that Tammy Faye Baker would be imprisoned for crimes against the Erection)

All in all this will dominate the world’s news and events for the next ten years. Possibly further but this psychic couldn’t see any further as he was too busy looking for a site to build a thirty foot high vagina.

I did however delve through the mists of the New-Year to foresee these little titbits.

• It will be a Cincinnati Sweep of the Superbowl and The Baseball World Series… However unlikely this will seem at this point in time… it will happen



• The hold In Print will be a massive success and will be internationally published by some highly discerning publishing house.



• The Hold Online will go from strength to strength yet again.


_______________________________________________________

Linda and I would sincerely like to offer our hopes and wishes to all readers of the hold for an excellent New Year and we hope that peace reigns in your heart and in the world.

Until 2003 keep you’re Cuffs on the bedpost and your eye on the door

Linda and Paul

PS if the Bengal’s win more than two games next season I will walk butt naked around Paul Brown Stadium on Superbowl night. - P.

I was born Linda Sue DeZarn to a couple with four other living children. Our family was poor as far as money went but we were rich because we had love and each other. I am now 47, mother of two daughter's and proud grandmother of six beautiful grandmonsters; the four oldest being boys and the babies are both girls (took long enuff for the girls to show their pretty faces).

I met Paul Hurwood (aka miskin) online in Excite's Virtual Places (where I also met Cait) in a chat room called Ninian's Poetry Cafe. Had it not been for some of the people in that room I would not be here today. I have led a long hard life most of which can be read in my writings.

 
Linda's Poetry Pages

• Dedicated to the man of my dreams

by Miskin for Linda
• Stronger Than Steel
• In Honour

Hi there folks. My name is Paul, and I have vital statistics that resemble the national debt of several third world countries combined. As you probably know Linda is my wife and you know the story so I won’t bore you all with it again.
In the words of Joshua one of the grand monsters “I AM A FREAK” and pretty much proud of it too.
I will try pretty much anything once and if I like it or it’s bad for me I will probably try it a couple more times just to make sure. I don’t like to take things to seriously, life is way too short.
Art wise I pretty much like anything that pushes the boundaries of either taste or experimental. My main passion is Old Time Radio, it helps to stimulate the brain and gets you thinking again.

I do occasionally write poetry but I am not a perfectionist. I write what comes into my mind and just see what happens. I think that this the honest way of writing. If it doesn’t make sense it's no biggie as far as I am concerned.
My influences come from all over the place… I get moods from Pink Floyd or whatever is playing on my cd player at the time and the Goons… a wonderfully anarchic mix of surrealism and comedy… if you get the chance try them out.

In closing I want to tell you my motto in life. It’s really simple and when things go wrong and you’re not sure what to do….

FUCK IT

The translation is down to you.

Keep your eyes on the door and the cuffs on the bedpost

Paul